Unmasking the “People Pleaser”: Insights from Step 10 in the AA 12&12

Many alcoholics entering recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous initially see themselves as well-meaning “people pleasers” who simply drink too much. They believe their drinking is their only real problem, and that deep down, they are good people with good intentions. As someone in recovery who believes in cutting to the heart of the matter, I often challenge this fiction when chatting with newcomers in AA parking lots or kitchens next to the Keurig coffee machine. The reality is that the supposed “people pleasing” traits of most alcoholics are actually character defects in disguise – manifestations of fear, dishonesty, and self-centeredness.

One simple question (thanks Tony Z from Pathway) I pose to alcoholics who claim to be people pleasers is this: “Please give me the names of 3 people, right now, who I can call on speakerphone and who will vouch that they have been overwhelmingly pleased with the person you’ve been for the past 5 years.” Most cannot provide a single name, let alone three. The truth is, their drinking and related behaviors have caused disappointment and heartache, not genuine pleasure, for those closest to them.

Step 10 in the AA 12&12 elaborates on this, explaining how alcoholics expertly rationalize selfish motives to make them seem benevolent:

“We ‘constructively criticized’ someone who needed it, when our real motive was to win a useless argument. Or, the person concerned not being present, we thought we were helping others to understand him, when in actuality our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down. We sometimes hurt those we love because they need to be ‘taught a lesson,’ when we really want to punish.”

This passage illustrates the flip side of the people pleasing coin – the lashing out and self-righteous anger that inevitably arises to balance out the artificial and unsustainable “niceness.” Everything must be balanced in the human psyche, and these outbursts are the natural result of the imbalanced, inauthentic behaviors of people pleasing. The alcoholic’s mind oscillates between two extremes, never finding a healthy middle ground.

At its core, the people pleasing of alcoholics is actually a manifestation of the “self-centered fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.” It stems not from genuine care and concern for others, but from dishonest, selfish and fearful impulses to protect the ego and get what one wants.

For example, a mother in recovery may go to excessive lengths to win the favor of her son who sides primarily with the father after a divorce. She bends over backwards trying to please him, but the son actually perceives this as manipulative and weak, damaging their relationship further. Or a newcomer to AA may compulsively say yes to every request, desperately trying to make everyone like them. In the process, they overcommit, fail to set boundaries, and allow their own life and responsibilities to fall into neglect and disarray.

In both cases, the motive is not to altruistically please others, but to soothe the alcoholic’s own fears and egocentric needs. The strain of maintaining this façade in conjunction with the inevitable resentful outbursts leaves the alcoholic feeling exhausted, emotionally volatile, and overwhelmed. They turn to drinking or using to escape and shut down. This vicious cycle shows why people pleasing is such a dangerous and destructive pattern for alcoholics.

Until an alcoholic faces these truths about themselves and works to replace these defects with true integrity and concern for others, they remain mired in destructive “self-pleasing” rather than real “people pleasing”. This self-centered fear constantly creates “excesses of negative emotions – anger, jealousy, and the like” that lead to a “hangover” of “emotional turmoil” until faced and resolved, as described in Step 10. No amount of people pleasing can resolve this inner unrest – only rigorous honesty, willingness, and reliance on a higher power, as laid out in the 12 steps.

In the end, what alcoholics really need is not to please other people, but to find an internal sense of wholeness, peace and right relation with God and their fellows. Only then can they engage in honest, principled behavior that is genuinely pleasing to others rather than secretly pleasing to themselves. The 12 steps, especially Step 10 as laid out in the 12&12, provide a tried and true roadmap to get there – if they are willing to follow it.